Purpose

Many years ago, I remember having an epiphany while I was out of town and drinking with my friends at the time that my current trajectory in life was I’d party and drink all night and go to work the next day. I remember thinking about how fruitless this kind of life would be and that this is not the life I wanted for myself. If I stayed with my current group of friends, I perceived that this is ultimately how my life would play out. This epiphany was the catalyst for the search of meaning and purpose.

There have been many moments where I have felt that I have been in the flow of life’s purpose but also many moments when I’ve known that I’ve strayed from that path. One of the scariest thoughts in my own mind is living a life without purpose.

I remember feeling purpose when I began chasing my musical leanings or when falling in love or when curiously and naively trying to solve life’s mysteries through study and debates with my friends.

As a child, I saw my mum work long shifts and put herself through school while my dad gambled his portion of his earnings away as well as being an absent father while living under the same roof. Mum was smart enough not to give him access to the family’s finances. I lived with these two examples and parts of me were susceptible to my fathers ways. This terrified me to think that maybe one day that who I am will amount to nothing; that my life would amount to nothing; and that my life would amount to nothing.

I think about things like this all the time. I feel that time gets away from us and that all those excuses of “I’ll do it tomorrow” will eventually run out and that all that we’ll have at the end is our life’s experiences. I don’t want to be someone that had a life’s worth of regrets.

I’m just going to keep it short and sweet for now.

Daren

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Hollow one
With inverted tongue
From whence does fulfillment come?
When I expel
From this mortal shell
Will I die for living numb?
Am I vital
If my heart is idle
Am I doomed?
Am I vital
If my heart is idle
Am I doomed?
— words by Moses Sumney
 
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