As I have grown older, I have allowed myself the emotional space to be vulnerable. As Alain de Botton once said, “Adult life isn't possible without moments when, with reason being ineffective, all we can do is regress”. I often remind myself not to forget about my own humanity and fragility whilst trying to be an adult in a uncertain world.
Many years ago, I remember having an epiphany while I was out of town and drinking with my friends at the time that my current trajectory in life was I’d party and drink all night and go to work the next day. I remember thinking about how fruitless this kind of life would be and that this is not the life I wanted for myself. If I stayed with my current group of friends, I perceived that this is ultimately how my life would play out. This epiphany was the catalyst for the search of meaning and purpose.
There have been many moments where I have felt that I have been in the flow of life’s purpose but also many moments when I’ve known that I’ve strayed from that path. One of the scariest thoughts in my own mind is living a life without purpose.
I remember feeling purpose when I began chasing my musical leanings or when falling in love or when curiously and naively trying to solve life’s mysteries through study and debates with my friends.
As a child, I saw my mum work long shifts and put herself through school while my dad gambled his portion of his earnings away as well as being an absent father while living under the same roof. Mum was smart enough not to give him access to the family’s finances. I lived with these two examples and parts of me were susceptible to my fathers ways. This terrified me to think that maybe one day that who I am will amount to nothing; that my life would amount to nothing; and that my life would amount to nothing.
I think about things like this all the time. I feel that time gets away from us and that all those excuses of “I’ll do it tomorrow” will eventually run out and that all that we’ll have at the end is our life’s experiences. I don’t want to be someone that had a life’s worth of regrets.
I’m just going to keep it short and sweet for now.
A lot of ideas of mine never see the light of day. In one sense, I like that. In another, I don’t. Some ideas or bodies of work are for a larger audience while other ones are perhaps only meant to serve an audience of one. Whoever the art is for, I believe it is important to keep creating no matter what. It is what we do as people with the gift of art. I’m learning that more and more every day.
I decided to walk home last night through Woolloomooloo which is the rough part of town near where I live to get home as soon as possible from a bar I was out at last night. As I made my way down I expected the usual commotion and of homeless people that life had hit the hardest. Instead what I noticed were groups of people huddled together with their blankets and beds braving the night. It was so quiet.